The Obscure Orphanage
by WallofIllusion
Summary: CROSSOVER WITH SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS. As Mr. Poe, incompetent as ever, struggles to find the Baudelaires a new guardian, the orphans are taken in briefly by the Wammy's House...
1. Chapter One

That's right! It's a Series of Unfortunate Events x Death Note crossover! No, WallofIllusion has not gone insane. (She's been that way all along.) But this occurred to me randomly. I'm sending the Baudelaires to Wammy's House! Yay for Wammy's House.

SoUE spoilers: few to none. Will take place between books six and seven (Ersatz Elevator and Vile Village.) One thing from book nine will be briefly mentioned, but don't worry about that, you can't figure out anything major from it.  
DN spoilers: existence spoilers for characters/organizations from page.61 and page.83. Will take place before the series, in early 2003.

Warnings: None in particular. Oh, but Light's not in this at all. Just thought I'd make that clear before we begin.

Disclaimer: I don't own either series.

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Nearly everyone enjoys a good mystery story. I myself, when I am not in any immediate danger or particularly confusing situation, love to curl up with a good mystery and read about people who are in such situations, for the pure satisfaction of reading as the good guy outwits the bad guy and puts him safely into a federal penitentiary, which is simply a fancy word for "prison." 

But I am sorry to say that while this fanfiction contains many mysteries, it does not bear the satisfying ending that would make it at all appealing. If you opened this fanfiction in the hope of finding the type of mystery story that contains an attractive and charming detective and ends with the criminal being driven away in a police car and condemned to a life in prison, I beg you to exit this window of your internet browser at once and head over to the Nancy Drew section of this site. There you will find the more traditional mystery story, in which a criminal commits an easily-definable crime, is pursued by the hero or heroine for most of the story, and is finally captured and punished for his sins.

Unfortunately for the Baudelaires, the hero and heroines of our story, their lives had not been that clear-cut since the horrible fire that killed both of their parents and destroyed their home. The mysteries in their lives were too many to count and incredibly difficult to define, even with the latest copy of _Webster's Third New International Dictionary, Unabridged_ in hand, and furthermore, they seemed unsolvable. No one in the world seemed to be able to answer their many questions, such as "Where are our friends the Quagmires?" or "What is VFD?" or "How does the terrible villain Count Olaf, who wants to murder us and steal our fortune, manage to pursue us wherever we go?" or even simply "Why are our lives so miserable?" At the beginning of our story, the only mystery in the Baudelaires' lives to which they had any sort of answer was, "How long will we be staying with our latest guardian?"

"Now I assure you that this is merely a temporary arrangement," Mr. Poe told the Baudelaires, turning to face them from the front seat of his car. "I'm having a little difficulty securing a new guardian for you children, and the—" Here Mr. Poe broke off into a fit of coughing. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny simply waited for him to stop, having learned long ago that Mr. Poe always had a cough and often interrupted his sentences to hack into his white handkerchief.

Finally Mr. Poe wiped his face with said handkerchief and continued, "The Wammy's House orphanage has kindly offered to house you until I can find a suitable guardian. I would have let you stay at my own home, of course, but ever since my promotion to Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs, I've been quite busy, so this is really the most convenient option for the time being."

"Uboj," Sunny muttered from Violet's lap. Sunny was the youngest Baudelaire and still a baby, so she often spoke in phrases difficult for anyone but her siblings to understand. By "uboj," she meant something along the lines of "Good, because we didn't really enjoy staying at your house anyway," and it was probably a very good thing that only Violet and Klaus understood her. Sunny also had four sharp teeth, and she loved to use them to bite hard things, such as the apple she was enjoying at that moment.

"Is it a good orphanage?" Klaus asked, pushing his round glasses up his nose. Klaus was the middle Baudelaire, and he looked very bookish. This was just as well, because he _was_ very bookish; by the time he was eight he had read books that most adults struggle with, and now that he was twelve, he could read any book on any subject that caught his fancy. His concern over the orphanage, too, resulted from his reading. Though he knew that most orphanages are not the horrible, child-abusing places they are made out to be in storybooks, he had also read enough to realize that under-funded institutions often housed malnourished, unhealthy children because they could afford to do no better.

However, after another bout of coughing, Mr. Poe was quick to reply, "It is indeed a good orphanage. It was founded by a man named Quillsh Wammy, a world-renowned inventor who uses the money earned from his patents to set up orphanages around the globe. As the one in England, where you'll be staying, was his first, it is undoubtedly also the finest."

"Quillsh Wammy? Really?" Violet asked, her eyes sparkling with eagerness. At fourteen, she was the eldest Baudelaire, and as a superb inventor herself, she had heard of Quillsh Wammy and greatly admired him. The thought that she might meet him excited her, and she pulled a hair ribbon out of her pocket to tie her hair back so she could better think of an invention to impress him with.

"Indeed," Mr. Poe replied. "From what I've heard, there are some unusual aspects about the orphanage, but… Ah, here we are."

He stopped the car, and Violet, Klaus, and Sunny looked at the building in front of them. It was a graceful brick building, almost church-like in its design, an impression that was reinforced by the cross decorating the top. A tall, black fence surrounded it, and a small plaque on the fence read _The Wammy's House_.

"Now, I must be going, children," Mr. Poe told them. "I have important matters to attend to, not the least of which is finding your friends the Quagmires, so I'll just drop you off here. Ask for a man named… Roger, I believe. Good luck, and I hope to find you a guardian soon."

Klaus held back a sigh. "Yes, Mr. Poe." The three siblings filed out of Mr. Poe's car, and, with a light wave, he drove off, coughing again.

"…Hena?" Sunny asked quietly.

"I don't know what's unusual about it, Sunny," Violet replied. "We'll just have to find out for ourselves."

With that, she pushed the small buzzer by the plaque on the fence. After a moment, a crisp voice said, "State your business, please."

"We're the Baudelaires," Klaus said into the speaker. "We've just arrived, and we were told to ask for a man named Roger…"

"Of course!" The voice through the speaker sounded delighted. "That's me. Come right in; I'll be at the door in a moment."

The black gates swung open, and the three Baudelaires stepped inside and started across the slightly ragged lawn. In a moment, the door of the brick building opened. Standing in the doorway was a friendly-looking old man with a slightly stooped posture. "Hello, Baudelaires," he greeted as they drew near. "Welcome to the Wammy's House."

"Ankyuu," Sunny said, and Violet was quick to expand.

"Thank you for taking us in," she told Roger. "Things have been very confusing for us for a while, and it's very kind of you to offer us a place to stay."

Roger smiled and stooped further in a little bow. "It's our pleasure," he assured the three of them. "If you'll come to my study, there are just a few items of business to take care of before you join the other children."

His study was a dignified, well-lit room, with a large bookshelf behind his desk. The only chair in the room was located behind the desk as well, so Violet and Klaus were left to stand, Violet balancing Sunny on her hip.

"First of all," Roger said, speaking through his hands, which he'd folded in front of his face, "life at Wammy's House follows a daily schedule. Breakfast is at eight; classes begin at eight-thirty and continue until one-thirty. Violet and Klaus, you will be in the same class, so naturally Sunny may stay with you as well. Lunch is then served; after lunch and lasting until two forty-five is free recreation. From two forty-five until supper, you should engage in individual studies. Please note that this time is for applying yourself to disciplines of your own tastes, rather than for completing any out-of-class assignments the teachers may assign. You may avail yourselves of our library, which contains books on virtually every subject. Supper is served at eight-thirty and the time between supper and lights-out at eleven is again recreational time, or, if you prefer, time to work on out-of-class assignments. How does that sound?"

"That will be fine," Violet said politely, and Klaus and Sunny nodded.

"Good. Then that brings us to the most important matter. This may seem a little strange, but here at Wammy's House, no one uses their real names. In fact, Roger isn't even my real name. Everyone is given a fake name and uses only that name while at the Wammy's House. Though your stay will be temporary, I must ask you three to follow the same rules. For the duration of your stay, your names will be Vanessa, Kristian, and Sammi. Will that be all right?"

The three Baudelaires simply stared; Sunny gave a little whimper.

"…Why does everyone need a fake name?" Klaus asked finally.

"There are various reasons," Roger answered. "In your case, it will perhaps make that Count Olaf's task of finding you more difficult. Furthermore, and most importantly, it's something of a tradition here, and we see no reason to break with tradition."

The phrase "to break with tradition" does not mean that someone is hitting an object with tradition until the object falls into pieces; rather, it means to change the way one has done something for a long time. Now, the Baudelaires knew that it is often ridiculous and occasionally problematic to continue to do something simply because it has been done for a long time, and this particular tradition seemed so strange that it seemed to break their hopes of a normal existence for a little while. But other than that, the Wammy's House seemed like a fine place, so Violet smiled wanly at Roger and said, "I see… That will take some getting used to, but we'll manage."

Roger answered with a warm smile of his own. "Thank you for understanding, children. It's strange for everyone at first, but it will soon be natural to you. Do you have any questions?"

"Olaf?" Sunny asked.

"Yes," Klaus added quickly, "You mentioned Count Olaf. How much do you know about him, and are you taking any particular precautions against him?"

Roger nodded. "Mr. Poe told me quite a bit about that evil man, and I've encouraged the other orphans to keep an eye out for him, but is there any specific information you three would like to share with me?"

The Baudelaires looked at each other. Mr. Poe had doubtless mentioned Count Olaf's eye-shaped tattoo on his left ankle and his unibrow, but maybe he hadn't thought to tell Roger about Olaf's shiny eyes, or about all the threats he had made on their lives, or how terrified the Baudelaires were of him. These were somehow difficult to explain, though, so after a moment Violet simply said, "He constantly disguises himself, so we should be on the lookout for anyone suspicious."

"Of course." Roger stood and came out from behind his desk. "Vanessa, Kristian, and Sammi, shall I show you three around?"

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Reviews are greatly appreciated! 


	2. Chapter Two

To all my readers: THANK YOU so much for your reviews! They are so encouraging. It's exciting to see that so many people are amused by this crazy brainchild of mine. Much love.

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If you've ever had the misfortune to have been led on a guided tour, I'm sure you will agree that they are, for the most part, entirely worthless. The paths the tours take are usually unnecessarily convoluted, and the guide, while he or she may mean well, is often thoroughly tedious and does not or can not answer the questions you most want answered. Just last week, for example, I was taking a guided tour through an art museum, and though the guide did explain to me the origins of many paintings, she failed to mention the secret code embedded in one of them, and gave only a vague reply when I asked for details on the matter. And, despite my obvious curiosity, she whisked me away to the next part of the tour before I had had ample time to study the painting.

I'm sorry to say that the Baudelaires experienced a somewhat similar experience as they followed Roger around the Wammy's House. Roger led the three orphans out of his study and into the hallway. He pointed to his left. "Directly to the left, we have a bathroom; beyond that is one of our two classrooms and the cafeteria. On the other side of my office, we have a room in which the children study various physical disciplines."

"Physical disciplines?" Klaus asked as they followed him down the hallway in that direction.

"Yes, Kristian, here at the Wammy's House we like to emphasize physical as well as mental abilities. Many students pursue the study of various martial arts in their spare time, so you may see them sparring with each other in here during independent study time."

The Baudelaires glanced at each other. There was nothing particularly wrong with learning martial arts, of course—the phrase "martial arts" here describes physical disciplines, many of them Asian in origin, that can be used to protect oneself in a time of danger or to focus one's mental strength—but it seemed strange for an orphanage to have a room specifically for such a purpose. However, before they could inquire into the matter, Roger turned to the other side of the hallway and told them, "Across the hall we have the other classroom. This will be your classroom, Vanessa, Kristian, and Sammi."

The door was open, and they peeked inside. It appeared to be a normal classroom, with several rows of desks facing a blackboard. If anything, it looked a little boring—there was nothing decorating the walls—but before they had time to draw any real conclusions, Roger had moved on again.

"Next we have our library," he told the children, opening the next door along the hallway and gesturing for them to step inside.

As the Baudelaire orphans did so, they gasped. The library could not have been better. It had everything they had ever appreciated about any library, and nothing that they had ever found unattractive about one. It was enormous and well-lit. Comfy chairs, desks, and tables were sprinkled throughout, perfect for reading and studying. In one corner sat a cluster of computers, ideal for researching or playing computer solitaire. And, of course, there were bookshelves everywhere, in the center of the room as well as lining the walls, all of them packed.

"Ogu," Sunny muttered, by which she probably meant "This is utterly amazing."

Roger smiled knowingly. "Do you like it, children?"

"It's beautiful," Violet replied sincerely, and Klaus nodded, unable to speak.

"Thank you," Roger said. "I think you'll find it quite enjoyable and helpful. To give you a quick run-through of our organizational system, all the fiction books are arranged along the walls in alphabetical order by the author's last name. In the center of the room, we have our nonfiction, arranged by subject." He started down the rows, pointing out where various subjects were located: computer manuals, criminal proceedings, philosophy, psychology, theology, criminology, languages, mathematics, mechanics, agriculture, home economics, law, cooking, museums, geography, history. The Baudelaires' heads spun as he strode down the library, reciting the topics quickly. It had been quite a while since they'd seen such a large library, organized so nicely, and with so many different subjects. It reminded them of their parents' library which, unfortunately, had burned to the ground with the rest of their mansion, all that knowledge lost.

As they passed the last row of the library (extraterrestrial worlds), they were surprised to see a boy, maybe a little younger than Klaus, kneeling on the ground, building a tower out of wooden blocks. His hair, a peculiarly pale shade that was almost white, fell over his face and hid it from view. He didn't look up as they approached.

"Oh, Near, hello," Roger said. "Shouldn't you be at dinner?"

"I wasn't hungry," the boy replied offhandedly. "Besides, I'm almost finished." He placed a final block, a green semi-circle, on top of the tower. The Baudelaire siblings could see that he had put a lot of effort into the structure; it was well-constructed and balanced, possibly the best block tower they'd ever seen. But as they watched, the boy removed a single block from about halfway up the tower, and the entire thing collapsed loudly. This didn't seem to bother him at all, though, and he calmly cleared a space and started rebuilding.

"Children, this is Near, our top student at Wammy's House," Roger told the surprised siblings. "Near, these three are Vanessa, Kristian, and Sammi, our new students."

"How do you do?" the pale boy murmured, still without looking up, absorbed in his building.

"How do you do," Klaus replied, a little stiffly.

"How do you do," Violet repeated in the same tone.

"Odo yow."

Nodding as if satisfied, Roger opened a door that led back into the hallway. "Come along," he said to the Baudelaires.

They followed him out of the magnificent library and up a flight of stairs. "Upstairs we have our individual rooms. We have about twenty-five students here at Wammy's House, and all those over age seven have their own room. Those under seven share rooms in pairs. That means, of course, that Vanessa and Kristian, you will each have your own room, and it is up to you three whether Sammi will share with one of you or with another student."

"Kyodto," Sunny said, and Violet nodded.

"Sammi can sleep with one of us," Klaus agreed.

"Very well," Roger replied. "In that case, Vanessa, here is your room." He opened the first door on the right to reveal a small room containing a bed, a desk, and an empty bookshelf. "I hope it is to your liking. You may keep books that interest you particularly in your room."

"Thank you," Violet said. It was a nice enough room, and she could already see the bookshelf filled with books on mechanics and inventions.

"Kristian, yours is right next to hers," Roger explained, and opened the door to reveal a room that was much the same.

"Thank you. It's very nice," Klaus said, though most books tended to interest him, so he wasn't sure one bookshelf would be enough.

"Good. I'm glad you like it. In that case, there is just one more thing." He suddenly turned very serious and pointed to the end of the hallway. The Baudelaires followed his gesture with their eyes. "At the other end of this hallway, there is a stairway to the attic. The attic is the one area of Wammy's House that is off-limits to the children. You must never go up there, unless it so happens that I give you express permission. Is that understood?"

Violet and Klaus, though mildly confused, nevertheless nodded. Sunny, however, asked in an embarrassingly distinct tone, "Whynot?"

"Sunny!" Klaus exclaimed, and Violet was quick to apologize to Roger. However, he simply waved the apology away.

"It's fine. We consider curiosity to be a valuable asset here at Wammy's House," he said with a gentle smile. "There are various reasons that the attic is off-limits, not the least of which is that it's a horrible mess, and not entirely safe."

Sunny nodded her head.

"Well, then, if there are no more questions, that concludes your tour of the Wammy's House. The other children should just be finishing up dinner now. Would you like to go meet them?"

The Baudelaires looked at each other. On one hand, it is usually polite, when joining a new group of people, to introduce oneself as soon as possible. On the other hand, the Baudelaires had had a long day, and the one child they had already met had not been particularly friendly. If the others were like that as well, it would be easier to deal with them after a full night's sleep.

"I think we'll just go to bed early," Violet replied. "Thank you again for everything."

"It's our pleasure," Roger replied. "Sleep well. If you talk at all before going to bed, remember to use your new names. It will help you adjust faster."

"All right," Violet said. Roger smiled at them one last time and started down the stairs. The Baudelaires looked at each other, and with one mind (a phrase which here means, "at exactly the same time, as if they all shared a brain") went into Violet's room and sat down on the bed.

"So, _Vanessa_," Klaus said, using his sister's new name and not liking it much. "What do you think?"

"Well, _Kristian_," Violet replied, equally uncomfortable with the new name, "there are some strange things about it, but I think we'll be fine. It seems like we'll be safe here, and any organization with such a varied library can't be all bad. Besides, at least this time _Sammi_ won't have to perform secretarial duties while we're studying."

"Dainam!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "Vanessa and Kristian, I don't want to call you by fake names! You're my siblings!"

Klaus patted her on the head fondly. "I know, Sammi, but we should respect their traditions. It'll only be for a little while, anyway, and I'm sure we'll get used to it. That white-haired boy treated his fake name as perfectly natural."

"Near, you mean?" Violet asked with a slightly amused expression on her face. "What kind of name is that anyway? Isn't 'Near' an adjective?"

"It's a preposition, actually."

The three sat together for a moment. "Did you notice that he only gave vague answers to our questions?" Klaus pointed out.

Violet shrugged. "Well, it isn't polite to pry. Maybe some of our questions will simply have to go unanswered."

Sunny was going to agree, but a tiny yawn emerged from her throat instead.

"Sammi's tired," Violet said, looking at Klaus. "All three of us should go to sleep. Sammi, want to sleep with me tonight?"

Sunny nodded, so Klaus bid his sisters good night. All three Baudelaires changed into the pajamas that Wammy's House had provided (they were white, and very comfortable), slipped into bed, and dreamt uncharacteristically optimistic dreams.


	3. Chapter Three

When several people get along oddly well and have the same ideas and emotions about things, it can be said that they are kindred spirits. Normally, the word "kindred" refers to one's relatives, but that is not always true about "kindred spirits." A mother and daughter could be kindred spirits, for example, but two actors could also be kindred spirits if they both had difficulty memorizing their lines and got booed off the stage together. While sitting through a singularly horrible symphony recently, I exchanged several miserable looks with the woman sitting next to me, and we were kindred spirits in our despair and aching ears. And if you were having a particularly depressing day, you might feel that a slug was your kindred spirit, because you both move at a painfully slow pace and are liable to be crushed at any moment. Having a kindred spirit can make you feel a little better, even when you are most miserable, because it is often refreshing to know that another person is just as miserable as you are.

When they rose the next morning, the Baudelaires wondered if they'd find kindred spirits in the other orphans. They remembered their two friends, Duncan and Isadora Quagmire, who had also lost their parents as well as their brother Quigley to a terrible fire, how they'd instantly become friends at Prufrock Preparatory School, and how refreshing it had felt to have someone who understood the pain of being an orphan so well. Alas, the Quagmires were now in the clutches of Count Olaf because they had tried to help the Baudelaires, so the three were very worried about their kindred spirits. They hoped that if they could find kindred spirits in the Wammy's House's other orphans, the other orphans might help them find the Quagmires and stop Count Olaf once and for all.

Roger met them on the way down to breakfast. "Good morning, Vanessa, Kristian, and Sammi. I hope you slept well. Would you like to introduce yourselves to the others during breakfast?"

Klaus looked at his sisters. "That will be fine," he told Roger.

So they followed Roger down the stairs and into the cafeteria, where it seemed that most of the students had already gathered. They were of all different ages, from several years younger than Klaus to a few years older than Violet. The Baudelaires noticed that many of them looked as if they hadn't had enough sleep.

"Children, I'd like your attention," Roger called over their friendly chatter, which slowly died out as the crowd of orphans turned their heads to look at him and at the three new faces beside him. Roger motioned towards the Baudelaires. "These three are our new students, who will be staying with us for a while until their banker can find them a new guardian. Why don't you introduce yourselves?" That question was directed towards the Baudelaires themselves, and they stepped forward.

Though it was slightly embarrassing to be stared at by so many faces (faces which, oddly enough, didn't seem to need to blink) the siblings smiled pleasantly. "I'm Vanessa," said Violet.

"I'm Kristian," said Klaus.

"Sammi!" shrieked Sunny, to polite titters.

"Very good," said Roger. "I expect everyone to treat our new students with kindness and respect. Many unfortunate things have happened to them, and I'm sure they will appreciate your support." The other children nodded dutifully, took one last glance at the Baudelaires, and returned to their breakfasts. Roger turned to the three and told them, "You may pick your breakfast from the far side of the cafeteria and find somewhere to sit. I'm sure the children will be very welcoming to you. And remember, classes start at eight-thirty. Now, if there's nothing else you need to know, I will return to my study; I'm very busy."

"I think we'll be fine," Violet replied. "Thank you for everything."

"You're very welcome," Roger smiled, and they parted.

The Baudelaires found the selection in the cafeteria very much to their liking. Violet chose several pieces of toast with strawberry jam. Klaus helped himself to a plate of waffles. And Sunny was delighted to find that the orphanage offered a variety of biscotti, which are a type of hard Italian cookie often found in espresso bars. With their breakfasts decided on, they turned again to the sea of children and hoped that they would quickly find somewhere to sit.

That, however, turned out to be a simple matter, because a blonde-haired boy stood up in his chair almost at once and shouted, "New kids, over here! Sit with me!"

The Baudelaires gratefully made their way to his table and sat down. "Hello," they said politely.

"Hi," the boy replied. His blonde hair was long for a boy's, falling just short of his shoulders, and his eyes were wide and dark. "I'm Mello," he introduced himself, "and this is Matt." He pointed to the boy with dark auburn hair next to him, whose eyes were hidden by a pair of goggles and whose Pop-Tarts sat untouched. (He was busy playing a hand-held video game.) At his name, he looked up, gave the Baudelaires a cordial, "Yo," and returned to his game.

"It's nice to meet both of you," Klaus said.

"Same to you," Mello replied, taking a bite of Cocoa Puffs. "So, how do you like Wammy's House so far? Adjusting to your new names?"

"Kichekk," Sunny replied grumpily as she gnawed on her biscotti. She probably meant something along the lines of, "I much prefer the name my parents gave me."

Violet nodded in agreement and confessed, "It's a lot harder to get used to than I thought it would be."

"I know what you mean," Mello said, nodding sympathetically. "It makes you a little lonely for the first few weeks—sometimes I just want to hear my parents say my real name." He sighed, averting his eyes and looking forlorn.

The Baudelaires sighed too, because even when everyone around them called them by their real names, they knew that it was no substitute for hearing their beloved parents' voices.

"But…" Mello shrugged, seeming to pull himself together. "That's just what we do at The Wammy's House. Our home sweet home. You'll get used to it soon enough, don't worry."

"Why?" Sunny asked simply.

Mello looked at her, tilting his head. "Why what?"

Klaus patted Sunny's head and expanded her question. "Do you happen to know when and why this tradition of using fake names was started? It's quite unusual, and we can't help but be curious."

Mello turned his wide eyes on him and replied blandly, "I don't know. It started before I got here."

"Oh," the Baudelaires all said together in disappointment, and then there was a lull in the conversation, during which Matt finally switched off his game and took a bite of his Pop-Tart.

"So," Matt said to the Baudelaires, "Other than the names, what do you think of Wammy's House so far?"

"Well, Roger certainly has been very informative and helpful," Klaus admitted. "It seems like it will be very pleasant to stay here."

"We haven't had much of a chance to talk to the rest of the children yet, though," Violet added. "We happened to meet a boy called Near in the library yesterday, but…"

"Mogun," Sunny muttered, meaning, "He didn't say much."

Mello sniffed disdainfully. "He doesn't say much," he informed them. "There's no point in trying to deal with him. Stick with me and Matt, and we'll help you get used to this place."

He granted the Baudelaires an apparently friendly smile, which they easily returned. They found Mello unusually easy to get along with, and his ideas and emotions were so similar to their own. Violet appreciated his straightforwardness in answering their questions. Klaus was grateful for his honesty about how it felt to be called by a fake name all the time. And Sunny was pleased that he had called them over in the first place. Already, this boy who had also lost his kindred was beginning to seem like a kindred spirit whom they could trust.

But I'm sorry to say that Mello was misleading them. The answers he gave may have been straightforward, but they were not the truth. The emotions he showed might have been genuine, but I can guarantee that displaying them was intentional and just as fake as the name "Mello." And the invitation to eat with him had simply been a way to have this conversation and fool them into thinking they were kindred spirits. He was misleading them, and the poor Baudelaires had no way of knowing that he would simply use them as pieces in his constant competition.

That is not to say that his intentions were evil, only that they were hidden. Still, if I had been nearby at the time, I might have whispered to the Baudelaires not to trust him so easily—not to trust any of us so easily. I could have saved them a heap of bitter disappointment and betrayal. But I wasn't there, and Mello was, so despite the House's best efforts, the Baudelaires will emerge from this event in their lives just as miserable and alone as ever, with only each other for kindred spirits.


	4. Chapter Four

Sorry for the delay on this one! But it's extra long this time. Yes, Matt really IS the "number three" of Wammy's House. Who knew? oO;  
And... for those of you who care to know, "Masen" is actually pronounced "Mah-sen" because it's derived from the apparently common practice on Japanese fansites of calling that lady with glasses and red/brown hair that shows up in page.59 (do you know who I'm talking about? u.u;) "Mama-sensei."  
Lalala. I don't own Sherlock Holmes or the movie Clue, or, of course, SoUE or DN. I think I own the titles of the books they were reading... unless those books actually exist, in which case I don't.

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It is a sad fact that not all people in life are honest. Even the most charming and friendly person could have a hidden agenda, a phrase which means, "a secret goal, different from he or she proclaims, which he or she will use anything to get."

The poor Baudelaires had run into almost as many hidden agendas as they had guardians. Sir, their guardian at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill, seemed to have adopted them with the hidden agenda of gaining more workers. Principal Nero, the principal of Prufrock Preparatory School, had probably taken them in with the hidden agenda of obtaining more people to listen to his horrible violin playing. Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor, one of their most recent guardians, had adopted them not only with the hidden agenda of being "in," but also for the purpose of getting their fortune for Count Olaf. And of course, the hidden agenda they ran into most frequently was Count Olaf's. Time and time again, he had come after them in disguise, fooled all the adults around them, plotted to steal their fortune, and attempted to murder them.

Unfortunately, the Baudelaires were to be the victims of hidden agendas yet again at the Wammy's House. And during their first class at the orphanage, they found a hint to the nature of one of those agendas.

The teacher, a mild-looking woman by the name of Ms. Masen, started class by handing back tests that the students had apparently taken last class. "The top score on this exam," she announced, holding out a piece of paper, "goes to Near."

The white-haired boy that the Baudelaires had met yesterday came up to get his test. "Impressive as always, Near," Ms. Masen said, and Near returned to his seat. As he went by, the Baudelaires saw Mello crane his neck to peek at Near's score.

"Our second-best score was obtained by Mello," Ms. Masen continued, and the blonde went to fetch his paper. "Well done, as usual," she added as he took it. He glanced at the score and returned primly to his seat.

Next was the third-best score—Matt's—and the fourth, which went to a girl with long black hair, and the fifth, the sixth, all the way down to the lowest score. The Baudelaires were rather taken aback. There was nothing unusual about handing back test scores, of course, but to do it in descending order, like rankings, seemed somewhat unkind, especially to the poor, pudgy boy who earned the lowest grade.

But none of the other orphans seemed to think it unusual, so they said nothing, and Ms. Masen began the class. "We start each class with literature," she explained to the Baudelaires, handing Violet and Klaus each a copy of _The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes_. Then she addressed the whole class, telling them, "Your assignment for today is to read from "A Scandal in Bohemia" through 'The Man with the Twisted Lip.' When everyone is finished we will have a discussion. Please begin."

Violet and Klaus found it slightly curious that the teacher would assign such a long section for in-class reading—it was nearly a hundred pages, and seemed like it would take a while. Nevertheless, they began to read, Sunny chewing on another biscotti to amuse herself.

After what felt like only ten minutes, Ms. Masen called the class back together. "It looks like most of you are finished."

Klaus and Violet looked at each other in surprise. It had felt like only ten minutes because it had, in fact, been only ten minutes. "How far are you?" Violet whispered to Klaus.

"I just finished the second story, 'The Red-Headed League,'" Klaus replied with a slight frown on his face. But when they looked around the classroom, it seemed that Ms. Masen had spoken the truth. The rest of the students were all finished reading.

With that, the class launched into a detailed discussion of the various tricks and methods Holmes had employed. Ms. Masen then demonstrated the real-life applications of a complicated calculus theorem, and then she went over a sheet of vocabulary words in a language that the Baudelaires didn't recognize. (Mello told them in an undertone that it was Mandarin Chinese.) By the time the class had finished a lengthy science lesson on various methods of DNA fingerprinting and were dismissed for lunch, the Baudelaires' heads were reeling, a phrase which here means that they were so overwhelmed that it felt like their brains were spinning dizzily in their skulls.

"How did you like classes?" Mello asked as they stood in line for their lunch.

"They were overwhelming," Violet answered honestly.

"My brain feels like it's spinning dizzily in my skull," Klaus added.

Mello gave a sympathetic chuckle. "Yeah, a lot of new students feel that way at first. Lunch will cheer you up, though. It's alphabet soup—one of the favorites here."

They received soup and obtained a few carrots for Sunny; then Mello led them to the same table they'd sat at for breakfast. In a minute, Matt joined them. He placed his soup on the table and whipped out the same video game he'd been playing earlier.

After a few bites of soup, which the Baudelaires enjoyed but found nothing particularly special about, Violet decided to ask something that had been bothering her. "Mello, the tests at the beginning of class were returned in the order of highest to lowest scores, right?"

"Yeah," Mello answered unconcernedly.

"Yes, I noticed that too," Klaus said, "and I thought it was rather unusual."

"Is it? That's what we always do here."

Violet frowned. "But that seems like it would create a lot of tension and competition," she protested.

To her surprise, Mello nodded crisply. "Exactly," he said. "It creates lots of competition between us. Competition to get better. Competition to get smarter. And then we try harder, and we _do_ get better and smarter. I suppose it's sort of a hidden agenda of the adults'. I guess it's not hidden very well, though."

"Weird," Sunny commented between bites of carrot.

Seeing that the Baudelaires weren't impressed, Mello offered an example. "Well, for example, Kristian—you're used to being the fastest reader around, aren't you?"

Klaus blinked. "How could you tell?"

"Easy," Mello replied flippantly, a word which here means, "as if it were nothing." "Your expression when you saw that _we_ had all finished long before you—but that's beside my point. You're going to read faster next time, aren't you?"

"Yes," Klaus confessed, for that was exactly what he was planning to do.

"See? You're going to work harder, get better—and no hard feelings, right? The fact is, there's plenty of competition here, but little of it is really serious."

"Tana," Sunny, who had spent class watching the other students, remarked quietly, her eyes focused on Mello. He looked back at her, puzzled, until Violet translated for him.

"She says that that may be true, but you _are_ in a serious competition. And she's right, isn't she? You and Near."

After an immobile second, Mello gave a grudging smile and admitted, "Yeah, it's pretty serious between Near and me."

Matt, still playing his game, snorted at that and promptly received a glare from Mello.

"But I meant what I said," the blonde insisted defensively. "Near's more effort than he's worth." The Baudelaires were still dubious, but Mello shrugged it off and told Matt, "Your soup is getting cold."

"One sec."

As Matt continued to play, Mello, finished with his own soup, took a chocolate bar out of his pocket, unwrapped it, and bit off a piece with a crisp _snap_. "So what are you three going to do for free rec?" he asked. "I think there's a soccer game arranged, if you want to play."

The siblings exchanged glances, knowing that they were all thinking the same thing. "We're going to check out the library," Klaus told him eagerly.

Mello wrinkled his nose slightly. "You can do that during independent study," he pointed out. "Don't you want to play outside or something?"

"Explore," Sunny answered, meaning, "During independent study time, we'll have to study, but this way we'll be free to explore the library as we like." Klaus explained what she meant, and Mello shrugged.

"Well, do what you want, I suppose," he said, taking another bite of chocolate. "I'll see you later, then. I'm going to go help set up the soccer game." With a wave good-bye, he brought his dishes to the side of the cafeteria and headed outside.

In a moment, Matt switched off his game and finally took a taste of his soup. He made a face. "Ew, it's cold." Then, without taking another spoonful, he stood. "See you guys later," he said, brought the still-full soup bowl to the side of the cafeteria, and left as well.

The Baudelaires stared at each other for a moment. "Weird," Sunny repeated, and then the three finished their lunches, took care of their dishes, and went to the library.

There were already several other orphans milling around, and Near was once again kneeling on the floor. This time he was not playing with blocks; he had thin plastic shapes spread out around him and was taking from them to make a mosaic design.

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny exchanged glances. Now that they knew (or thought they knew) about Mello's hidden agenda, they felt it would be impolite to ignore Near as the blonde had instructed, so Violet walked over to him and asked, "Excuse me, Near, but do you know where I could find some books about inventions?"

This time, the boy at least looked up when he was spoken to. He had the same dark-rimmed, bulging eyes as Mello had, but maybe a little wider. With those eyes focused on Violet, he replied dispassionately, "Five shelves down, top row, left side."

"Rocks?" Sunny questioned. Though she couldn't read yet, she enjoyed looking at pictures of hard stones and imagining what it would feel like to bite them.

"Six shelves down, third row down, in the middle."

The Baudelaire sisters looked at Klaus. His taste in books was so wide that he often had trouble deciding what to read. Finally, he looked at Near and said thoughtfully, "Do you have any books that list various abbreviations for things?"

Without expression, Near turned his wide eyes to Klaus and answered, "Nine shelves down, the right side." Then he dropped his gaze back to his mosaic.

The Baudelaires thanked him and then exchanged a glance. They'd thought that Mello had simply been misleading when he said Near was difficult to deal with, but it appeared that there was quite a bit of truth in the statement. The white-haired boy seemed more interested in his design than anything else.

But no matter, they decided silently, and went to find their books. Violet chose a thick book called _The One Hundred Greatest Inventions of All Time_; Sunny selected a geology book with plentiful pictures; and after a minute of scanning titles, Klaus picked out _Abbreviations for Things You Didn't Even Know Existed_. They brought their books to a nearby table, made themselves comfortable by sitting down in the soft chairs and, in Violet's case, tying up her hair to focus better on the inventions, and began to read.

Many people believe that one of the most fun things about reading with friends or siblings is being able to talk about what you're reading with them. The Baudelaires were certainly firm believers in this idea and often looked up from their books to share interesting tidbits of information or things that reminded them of shared experiences. For example, when Violet came upon a section devoted to various types of welding torches, she touched Klaus's and Sunny's arms to get their attention.

"Look, welding torches," she said with a hint of sadness in her voice. "Doesn't that remind you of the welding torches we made to try to help the Quagmires?"

Klaus nodded in agreement. "They're much more complicated than the ones we made, though. It was brilliant of you to come up with such a simple design."

"It still didn't do any good," Violet pointed out glumly. "Count Olaf had already taken them away, and all we found at the bottom of the elevator shaft was the empty cage."

The three sighed and returned to their reading, thoughts of their friends weighing heavily on their minds. They knew from personal experience that it was not pleasant, comforting, or safe to be in Count Olaf's clutches, so the Baudelaires spent a lot of time worrying about the Quagmires.

In a few moments, Sunny also called her siblings' attention to her own reading. "Garrld," she said, which probably meant, "Look! It's Aunt Josephine's house."

Sure enough, the picture in Sunny's geology book was an old one of Aunt Josephine's house, still perched on the rocky cliff high above Lake Lachrymose. The caption read, _Humans, ever resourceful, build their houses around and on natural rock formations._

"This book must have been written before Hurricane Herman," Klaus commented. "Now that house is at the bottom of Lake Lachrymose."

"Jomo," Sunny murmured sadly, meaning, "And so is poor Aunt Josephine."

Violet shuddered. "I still can't believe Olaf pushed her to the leeches."

To wrench their thoughts away from morbidity, the Baudelaires returned again to their books and threw themselves into their reading, a phrase which here means, "focused as hard as they could on the words, as if they were throwing themselves into a wall rather than enjoying a pleasant pastime."

In a short while, Klaus surprised his sisters by chuckling.

"What is it, Kristian?" Violet asked, looking up from her book.

"Do you remember the movie we saw once, _Clue_?" Klaus asked. "That one man worked for the United Nations Organization's World Health Organization, remember? Well, the abbreviation for that is U-NO-WHO. I never noticed."

Violet smiled too. "I didn't either. That's clever."

With a nod, Klaus explained, "I thought this book might contain information on VFD, but there isn't a single entry for that group of letters. Not even for 'Very Fancy Doilies.' Fortunately, this book is very interesting in its own right. Did you know that 'RSS,' the name of the computer file format, actually stands for 'Really Simple Syndication'?"

"No," Sunny replied.

"It does," Klaus said. "Doesn't that seem like a strange thing to call it? Anyway, I just thought it was interesting."

The Baudelaires continued to read, every now and then stopping to talk with each other again. They found it very pleasant to have the freedom of partaking in such a large, varied library at their leisure. In fact, they were enjoying themselves so much that they failed to notice when the white-haired boy, Near, slipped past them and out of the library.

-----Later that day

Mello made his way up to the second floor, his arms loaded with books of various sizes. It was independent study time. While the lower-ranked students usually specialized in one or two subjects, Mello tried to learn as much as he could about as many subjects as he could. Some said this put him at a disadvantage, but he just rolled his eyes at that. After all, Near did the same thing.

Mello had just reached his room and was attempting to re-balance the books so his hand was free to open his door when he heard another door open down at the end of the hallway. He looked over curiously—and then his eyes narrowed at once.

Near was coming down from the attic.

The white-haired boy noticed Mello's glare and gazed back impassively for a few moments, then walked past and down the stairs to the library. Mello continued to glare at his withdrawing back; then he muttered a curse and stalked into his own room.


	5. Chapter Five

Please remember that this is narrated by "Rosie," a Wammy's House student that I made up. It is definitely a total coincidence that her name starts with R, just like mine. See my page for for the "Dear Reader" letter if you haven't read it yet.

You'll notice that in scenes that don't directly include the Baudelaires, I drop Snicket's style... If this is too weird and abrupt please let me know. (But only if it's excessive, because I do treasure the break from writing in his style... it's exhausting.)

I'm so sorry for the delay on this chapter. I finished it during Christmas break, but have been really slow in getting it edited and up. Doumo sumimasen. I don't know when the next one will be up either. I'm having a really hard time getting started. Moushi wake arimasen!!

* * *

Persistence is the trait of sticking to something until you've achieved what you wanted, and people will often tell you that it is a good trait to have. If you have ever experienced someone else's persistence, however, you may find that it can be rather annoying. For example, if a waiter persists in trying to convince you to try a snail casserole, but you are allergic to snails, not only will the waiter irritate you, but he could endanger your health. If a construction worker persisted in building a new house right next to your own, you may be woken up several mornings in a row to the sound of a jackhammer outside your window, which is a very unpleasant sound. And if your parents persist in concealing your birthday present from you, you may find yourself very frustrated and uncertain as to what the present is. For these reasons, persistence can sometimes seem to be more bad than good.

Though the Baudelaires were all persistent children themselves, they, too, were often irritated by others' persistence. They were inconvenienced by Poe's persistent inability to help them. They were terrified by Olaf's persistent attempts to steal their fortune. And they were anguished by misfortune's persistent habit of hovering over them.

Unluckily for the Baudelaires, _we_ are very persistent in getting what we want, and we are not subtle.

Mello was slightly late to dinner; the Baudelaires and Matt had already taken seats at the usual table and begun eating their chicken salads by the time he clattered his tray down on the table and sat. "Hi." He took a bite of his salad and then looked at the Baudelaires. "So you've spent a whole day at Wammy's now," he commented. "Have your impressions changed from this morning?"

The Baudelaires looked at each other. They thought about class that morning, how quickly everyone had read, and the difficult subjects they had tackled. They thought about the alphabet soup they'd had for lunch and the chicken salad they were having for dinner. And they thought about the wonderful hours they'd spent in the library, reading for fun and then studying their individual interests. All in all, Wammy's House had turned out to be a satisfactory—maybe even better than satisfactory—place to live so far. "I like it here," Klaus said. "It's certainly better than several of the places we've stayed since our parents died." His sisters nodded in agreement.

"Several of the places you've stayed?" Mello questioned. "Have you lived in a lot of different places?"

The Baudelaires sighed. "Tasan," Sunny replied glumly.

"We keep getting moved around to many different homes," Violet translated. "And not all of them have been pleasant."

Mello cocked his head. "What's the least pleasant place you've stayed?"

"With Count Olaf," Klaus replied at once with a shudder. "He made us do impossible chores, struck me across the face, hung Sammi in a birdcage from his tower room, and tried to marry Vanessa by forcing her to perform in a play by Al Funcoot."

"Tried to _marry_ her?" Mello asked incredulously.

"To get his hands on our fortune," Violet explained. "Our parents left behind an enormous fortune that we'll inherit when I come of age, but if he'd married me, as my legal husband he would have had control over my finances."

"That's just creepy," commented Matt, who wasn't playing any video game this time.

"Daro," Sunny said. She meant something along the lines of, "You're telling me."

"Because of that, we were removed from his care," Klaus added, "but he's been following us around from guardian to guardian, trying to steal our fortune and making our lives miserable, ever since."

Mello frowned. "I can see why we're supposed to watch out for this guy. Have you guys had _any_ good experiences with guardians?"

The Baudelaires looked at each other sadly.

"To tell the truth," Violet said, "we've had a few very kind guardians, but Olaf always shows up and does something awful."

"Uncamonty…" Sunny said in her tiny voice.

"He poisoned Uncle Monty, the herpetologist who was our guardian right after Olaf," Klaus expanded, "and threw our third guardian, Aunt Josephine, into the jaws of carnivorous leeches."

"And although one of our most recent guardians, Jerome Squalor, was nice enough," Violet said, "his wife Esme was working with Count Olaf the whole time."

"Wow, I'm sorry," Mello said. "That sucks. That guy sounds horrible."

"Yep," Sunny said.

"He needs to be locked up!" Mello continued heatedly. The word "heatedly" here does not mean that he suddenly developed a fever, but that there was passion and determination in his voice. "Are you guys going back to the library tonight? I can help you look for incriminating information on him or something."

Klaus shook his head. "Actually, we were planning to visit Ms. Masen and get caught up with what we'll be learning here."

"Oh," said Mello. "Good idea." But he persisted, "What about tomorrow then? During free rec or something. I want to help catch this villain."

Matt peered at the enthusiastic boy. "I thought you said you hated spending rec in the—"

"This is more important!" Mello replied, cutting Matt off with a glare. "This guy has to be brought to justice!"

"_Oh_," Matt said. "I see." He looked down at his salad, and the Baudelaires had the odd feeling that they had missed something.

Nevertheless, Violet asked Mello, "Do you really think we'd be able to find enough information in the library to incriminate Olaf?"

"You can find anything in our library," Mello boasted, and he fixed the Baudelaires with a persistent stare. "So it's a deal then?"

"Sure," Klaus said.

"Great! Tomorrow at two-fifteen. Free rec in the library. I can't wait."

"Ankyuu," Sunny said.

"No problem. Don't forget!"

The Baudelaires finished their chicken salad and stood. "Where might we find Ms. Masen at this hour, by the way?" Violet asked.

Mello tipped his head to the side and thought. "Probably in her room. It's on the left side of the far hallway upstairs, and there's a plaque on her door, so you can't miss it."

"All right," Klaus said. "We'd better be going, then. It was nice meeting you two today."

"Same goes to you three," Mello replied, and Matt nodded. "Don't forget, you're not allowed in the attic. And remember—free rec in the library tomorrow!"

The Baudelaires nodded, but it was a slightly curt nod; the final reminder had made Mello's persistent repetition conspicuous, a word which here means "stand out," and it annoyed them slightly. It seemed almost like he thought they were stupid children who wouldn't remember unless reminded constantly. Nevertheless, when he smiled they smiled back, and then they went to find the teacher.

"You probably could have done without that last reminder," Matt muttered once they were out of earshot. "They're not going to forget."

"Just making sure," Mello replied defensively. "This is important." Now that the Baudelaires were gone, he began shoveling the chicken salad into his mouth in a hurry.

"You in a hurry?" Matt asked, watching him slyly.

"Of course," Mello replied.

"To go where?"

Finishing his salad with record speed, Mello stood. "To the attic, of course."

-----Elsewhere, minutes later

As the detective L took a deep breath and inhaled the scent of his strawberry cake, a beep from his computer indicated an incoming message. L crouched and picked up his microphone. "What is it, Watari?"

"L, Mello has come to the attic," came the reply from his speakers, and L nodded, unsurprised.

"Good. Connect the video feed."

A video image of the Wammy's House attic flashed onto L's screen, and Mello was indeed standing there. "Hello, L," the boy said. He was speaking to a computer screen with only the letter "L," on it, but the detective suspected that he was long since used to that.

"Greetings, Mello," L said into the microphone. "I expected you a little earlier. Near has been here already."

"I know." Mello's face was too blank when he said this; obviously it was intentional. "But I have some information on the three children."

"Good. Let's hear it." As Mello spoke, L started eating his cake, carefully chipping away around the strawberry so as to save that for last.

"Count Olaf was the first person they stayed with after their parents' death," Mello said with an air of recitation. "At first, it seems, he was just abusive, but then he hung the baby in a birdcage from his tower and tried to marry the older girl so that he'd have control over their fortune as her legal husband. They prevented that somehow, and then they were removed from Olaf's care, but he keeps following them around from guardian to guardian to get their fortune. He poisoned their second guardian, their uncle Monty, and threw their third guardian, their aunt Josephine, to a bunch of carnivorous leeches… Are there really leeches that deadly?"

"The Lachrymose leeches," L said through a bite of cake, "found exclusively in Lachrymose Lake, are a species of particularly vicious, toothed leeches. It's possible. However—"

"L, are you eating?" Mello interrupted.

"…Yes. I am eating cake."

"Don't talk with your mouth full," the boy scolded. "Your voice is hard enough to understand with the synthesizer, and it makes it even worse when you talk through bites of half-eaten food."

"Wait a minute then." L took the last few bites of cake and then tenderly ate the strawberry. All the while, Mello stared into the screen, looking amusedly patient. Finally L swallowed the strawberry and continued, "However, that is not new information to me. Near has already told me about Josephine Anwhislte's fate."

Mello's amused expression slipped away into the intentionally blank one again. "I see."

"Is there anything else?"

"One of their last guardians, Esme, was working with Olaf the whole time," Mello added.

"Hmm…" L tapped a few buttons on his computer to bring up a file. "Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor?"

"If she's married to a man named Jerome, that's her."

"It is, then." L skimmed the newspaper article he had scanned into the file. "Interesting. The newspapers reported that Olaf _kidnapped_ Ms. Squalor. Apparently that is misinformation."

"Guess so. That's all I have for you right now."

"Nice work, Mello," L said. Mello inclined his head in thanks as L continued, "Please continue to find out as much as you can from the Baudelaires, especially what happened to their former guardians, as most of that is very useful information."

"Got it."

"Watari, is anyone in the hallway?"

"No," Watari replied after checking his hand-held monitor.

"You may go, then, Mello."

"Okay. I'll be back soon," the boy guaranteed with a wave, and he left. Watari closed the video feed.

L tapped the new information into his computer and continued his research.

* * *

One final note:

L is... a cake-sniffer?


	6. Chapter Six

I apologize again for the ENORMOUS delay. I had a very difficult time getting started, but once I actually did, it came out a lot better than I was expecting. The next chapter should (theoretically) come pretty soon, because its outline is already complete... I originally envisioned it as part of this chapter. (I'm quite glad it's long enough to be separate, though.)

* * *

After lunch the next day, as Matt headed upstairs to play video games in his room, the Baudelaires and Mello strode eagerly into the library.

"All right," Mello said as they stepped in. "So we're looking for crimes committed by a man with only one eybrow, a scraggly chin, and a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle, right?"

"That's right," Violet agreed with a nod. "And he also has several accomplices who are just as horrible and frightening."

"There's a bald man with a long nose, a man with two hooks in place of hands, and two women with faces powdered ghastly white," Klaus explained.

"Rojck," added Sunny.

For Mello's sake, Violet translated, "And a person who looks like neither a man nor a woman."

"Charming," Mello commented. "All right, got it. Do we know anything else useful?"

"We already know at least one other crime that Olaf has committed," Klaus replied. "He kidnapped our friends, the Quagmire triplets."

Mello nodded and thought for a moment. "Got it. So here's what we do. Vanessa, three shelves down we have our books on the theatre. Why don't you find a book of playwright biographies and see if you can find anything about that Al Funcoot guy? He sounds kind of suspicious, and if he knows Count Olaf personally we may be able to get to Olaf through him. Kristian, on this shelf right here you should find a book called _Modern Unsolved Crimes_. See if any of the warrants match this Olaf guy, or if any of the crimes seem like he might have committed them. Sammi, you can stay with one of your siblings; I'm going to go online and check up on recent warrants for his arrest. Sound good?"

The Baudelaires glanced at each other, surprised that Mello was taking charge so quickly, but his plan seemed like a good one, so they nodded and went to work.

Violet went to the theatre section, pulled out several books of playwrights, and sat down at a table. To her surprise, there was actually a large section on Al Funcoot in the first book she opened, so she started reading it right away.

Klaus found _Modern Unsolved Crimes_ and brought it to where Violet sat, Sunny trailing behind him. It was a very thick book, and it looked as though it was used surprisingly often: the spine was worn down, some pages were slightly ripped, and there was some sort of shorthand in the margins. Ignoring all this, though, Klaus turned to the first page and began to read.

At 2:40, Mello came over to their table. "Find anything?" he asked eagerly.

Violet looked up from the third book she had chosen. "Well, I found several small biographies of Al Funcoot," she answered. "Very little is known about his background, and there were no photographs of him, but it seems he's produced several plays, most of them for an acting troupe called Cal Founto. His plays include _The Most Handsome Man in the World_, _Why, I Believe I've Become Even More Handsome_, _One Last Warning to Those Who Try to Stand in My Way_, and of course, _The Marvelous Marriage_. Strangely, though, _Marvelous Marriage_ wasn't mentioned in any of the biographies."

"Cal Founto, you said?" Mello questioned, thinking hard. Violet nodded, and Mello pursed his lips. "And Al Funcoot… hmm."

"Wha?" Sunny asked.

Mello shook his head, seeming to disregard whatever he'd been thinking about. "Never mind," he replied. "How were the reviews on his plays?"

Violet turned a page and skimmed it. "It received mixed reviews," she said. "For example, _One Last Warning to Those Who Try to Stand in My Way_, a musical, received one review calling its songs 'annoying ditties,' but another reviewer from the same newspaper wrote that she was 'enraptured' the whole evening."

"Huh." Mello made a mental note of the information (a phrase which here means "ignored it completely") and turned to Klaus. "How about you, Kristian? How's it going with _MUC_?"

"It's very interesting," Klaus replied, his eyes shining behind his glasses. "Did you know that in 1986, a group of technologically experienced robbers robbed three banks of $100,000 each, using the exact same tactics each time? Yet they've never been caught, even though police know exactly what each person looks like."

"I know, I've read it," Mello replied, a hint of impatience in his voice. "But what about Olaf's crimes?"

"I didn't get very far because all of the crimes were so interesting, but I did manage to find two that sounded like him. The first was an inheritance crime." Klaus turned to a page he had marked and read: "In 1980, shortly after being adopted by a man calling himself Treffius, the three Columbus children disappeared without a trace. Treffius, supposedly their third cousin, four times removed, claimed the enormous inheritance their parents had left behind, and then he vanished as well. When police tried to contact the executor of the Columbus estate for comment, they couldn't find him either."

"How horrible!" Violet exclaimed, shivering.

"Watamo," Sunny whimpered, probably meaning something like, "That's exactly what he wants to do to us, too."

"I know," Klaus said, his face grim. "And the second crime I found isn't any more pleasant to read about, but nevertheless, it's very interesting: 'In 1975, a series of building fires destroyed several seemingly unconnected buildings in a radius of about ten miles. Though local detectives claimed that there was no reason to suspect arson, a warrant was issued for a man with only one eyebrow and a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.'"

"Olaf!" Sunny cried.

"And that's not all," Klaus said, his eyes wide and intent. "Listen to this: 'Upon further investigation, it was found that the buildings were, in fact, connected: they were all at one time the headquarters for the mysterious organization, V.F.D.'"

His sisters gasped; Mello looked nonplussed, a word which here means "confused." "V.F.D.? What does that stand for?"

"We don't know," Violet answered. "It's part of a horrible secret that the Quagmires shouted to us as Olaf kidnapped them."

"I tried looking up the abbreviation in one of the books here," Klaus added, "but I couldn't find it. It doesn't mean anything to you?"

Mello shook his head. "No, but it sounds crucial," he commented, making a mental of this information (a phrase which here means "carefully committing it to memory"). "I'll make V.F.D. my focus next time."

"Kamit?" Sunny asked Mello.

Klaus translated, "My sister means to ask if you found anything, Mello."

Mello shrugged. "Not really," he answered offhandedly. "Nothing that would be of use to you."

"That's too bad," Violet said. "Thank you for helping us."

"No problem," Mello replied. "Same time tomorrow?"

The Baudelaires nodded.

"Great! See you later. I'd better get to studying."

And, with that, the blond left.

By now, I'm sure you can guess where Mello was headed as Violet, Klaus, and Sunny chose books on inventions, city planning, and rocks, respectively, and as Near, who had been playing among the shelves and eavesdropping, crept to a computer to research the V.F.D. I'm sorry to say, though, that the poor Baudelaires had no idea. They had no way of knowing that Mello was helping them not out of kindness but out of a characteristic desire to be the best. In fact, they would never know his full motives, and even when they discovered the true reason Wammy's House had taken them in, they would not realize how far over their heads we were. We would remain obscure, as we should be, and they would be miserable, as they so often are.

-----Minutes later

"'Al Funcoot,' the name of the playwright of _The Marvelous Marriage_, is an anagram for 'Count Olaf,'" Mello told the computer screen. "So is 'Cal Founto,' the name of the troupe which most often performs his plays."

"You're right. How interesting," said L's synthesized voice. Mello couldn't tell whether he meant it or whether he was just saying that.

"He wrote a few other plays, too: _The Most Handsome Man in the World_, _Why, I Believe I've Become Even More Handsome_, and _One Last Warning to Those Who Try to Stand in My Way_." Mello rolled his eyes. "Awfully full of himself, isn't he?"

"Place all your valuables on the stage or something dreadful might happen to you," said the synthesized voice suddenly.

Mello tried and failed to interpret this cryptic remark. "…What?"

"It appears to be the closing number of _One Last Warning_."

"…What a stupid man," Mello said with an awed shake of his head.

"That remains to be seen. Did you find out anything else?"

Mello assumed an air of recitation. "Apparently, the Baudelaires aren't the only orphans he's gone after—in 1980, he adopted and killed the Columbus children for their inheritance. It's likely that he killed the executor of their estate as well. Furthermore, there's a warrant for him in a 1975 series of arsons. The buildings he allegedly burnt down were all past headquarters of the organization V.F.D."

"Yes, I've heard of the V.F.D.," L said. "Interesting…"

"More recently," Mello continued, "Olaf is wanted for several more counts of arson, three counts of robbery, two of hit-and-run, and one of general rudeness, which is apparently a crime in east Tedia."

"I see."

L did not continue, but nor did he dismiss Mello, so the boy decided to ask something he'd been wondering.

"L, from what I've learned so far, it seems that the trickiest part about this Olaf guy is not actually incriminating him, but rather getting him into a position to be incriminated—catching him."

"Yes, I agree," the synthesized voice said.

"So that's why those three are…?"

"Yes."

"I wouldn't want to be them when they find that out," Mello commented.

"They won't mind. Because I am going to catch Count Olaf."

Mello nodded. "True enough."

"You may go."

"I'll be back later with more."


	7. Chapter Seven

Fast like zoom!  
This chapter wound up longer than expected.

Death Note: Ohba Tsugumi + Obata Takeshi's

Series of Unfortunate Events: Lemony Snicket's

Neither belong to me. My disclaimer was cuter on dA because equal signs show up there.

* * *

The Baudelaires' next few days at The Wammy's House were very enjoyable. Through careful study, Violet and Klaus improving in class, though the Chinese lessons were still somewhat over their heads, a phrase which here means, "difficult for them to understand." All three children also made friends with a few of the other students, who proved to be intelligent, interesting people, even if some were slightly aloof. But the most enjoyable part of all was the fact that Olaf was nowhere to be seen, and furthermore, they were making so much progress in researching him. 

"I feel like we're making so much progress in researching Olaf," Violet said one day over a lunch of grilled cheese.

"And even better, he's nowhere to be seen," Klaus added.

"Yay!" said Sunny. She probably meant something along the lines of, "Maybe we'll actually be safe here at The Wammy's House!"

Mello seemed pleased. "I'm glad I've been able to help you," he said. "I'm just sorry we haven't been able to find out where your friends are, but I have a plan to fix that. Do you know an archive is?"

Violet and Sunny glanced at Klaus, who knew many words from his reading. Klaus looked at Mello. "It's a place where a lot of information is stored," he defined, "especially information such as public records or historical documents."

"Correct," Mello said with a crisp nod. "And one section of our library is actually an archive of many, many recent newspaper articles. So since we haven't really had much luck finding information on the V.F.D., why don't we change tactics and try to find out where Olaf is—and where he's keeping your friends—by looking through some recent newspaper articles?"

"Shoy!" said Sunny. She meant something like, "That sounds like a great idea!"

Violet nodded. "Sammi is right, that does sound like a good idea. But we don't know how to use an archive."

"I can teach you. Let's go."

Mello led them out of the cafeteria and to the far corner of the library, where there were many tall file cabinets, each drawer labeled with a two- to five-letter abbreviation and a date. "This is our archive," Mello explained. "The columns are organized by which newspaper the articles are from, and the rows are organized by date. So if you want an article from the _San Diego Union Tribune_ within the past week, you'd look for the abbreviation 'S.D.U.T.' and the dates from last Monday to today. Mind that the dates are a little disorganized, because these are updated weekly and things get moved around a lot. But once you find the drawer you need, just pull that drawer out and look through the articles inside." He demonstrated, finding the S.D.U.T. box with the correct dates and pulling a laminated piece of newspaper out of it, which he showed to the Baudelaires. "See? That easy. However, San Diego is a city in California, and you three don't exactly look like Californians, so you'll want to search through newspapers that are more specific to your area. Good luck."

"Aren't you going to look too?" Violet asked.

"I have one last thing I want to check on the computers," Mello responded. "I'm not sure how well it'll work, but it could prove to be quite informative. I'll tell you three how it goes."

"All right," said Sunny, and as Mello headed over to the computers, the Baudelaires looked at the tall stacks of file cabinets in front of them.

"Well, like Mello said, we should look for articles from newspapers that are printed in our area," Klaus said. "Let's see… T.T.… I think that stands for _Tedia Times_." He pulled out a drawer to check one of the articles.

"You're right," Violet noted. "We know Count Olaf has been in that area, so that's a good place to start.

"Just a second…" Klaus said, still looking through the abbreviations. "I remember that Father used to read a newspaper called _Valorous Daily_, and he said it was one of the best newspapers he'd ever seen. They don't seem to have it here, though."

"That's too bad," Violet sighed. "Oh, but here's the _Lachrymose Ledger_. Its name is written all the way out—they don't use an abbreviation. I wonder why not."

Sunny shrugged to indicate that she didn't know. "Yomou," she said, which probably meant, "Why don't you each take one and start reading?"

"Good idea, Sammi," Violet said. "Kristian, I'll look through the articles from the _Ledger_ if you'll read _Tedia Times_. How far back do you think we should go?"

"Well, there's no need to read anything from before the In Auction, because we know where he was then," Klaus pointed out.

"O.K.," Violet said with a nod. "Let's start reading, then."

The Baudelaires started reading. Violet started with a _Ledger_ article from the day after the In Auction. Klaus picked out a _Times_ article from the previous day. (Fortunately, the archive had just been updated with the previous week's articles.) And Sunny wandered into the shelves to look for a book with pictures to look at. To her surprise, she found Near sitting very close by, playing with a set of Lego people. Though he looked momentarily alarmed at Sunny's approach, after observing her for a moment, he simply turned back to his toys, which upon closer examination proved to be cleverly decorated to resemble the Baudelaires.

"Wow!" Sunny commented, meaning, "These are very interesting! May I ask if you made them?"

"Do you like them?" Near asked, apparently not understanding what Sunny had said. "I decorated them myself."

Sunny picked up the one that was made to look like her. The most striking feature about the toy, as was the most striking feature of Sunny herself, was the mouth with four sharp teeth drawn in, though of course the real Sunny's were actually contained in her mouth and made of calcium, phosphorus, and other mineral salts, rather than drawn onto her face in pen.

"Dagik," she told Near. What she meant was, "These are incredible. I have to bring my siblings to see," but judging by the look on Near's face, it was unlikely he understood her. However, he didn't seem surprised when she started crawling back to the table where Violet and Klaus sat.

"Niham…" she said as she approached, which meant something like, "Come see what Near…" but she stopped mid-sentence because her siblings were having a conversation in low voices, and she knew it was very rude to interrupt people when they were talking.

"Maybe he just hasn't found any of that information," Klaus was saying. "It's possible."

"It _is_ possible," Violet replied, "but it's not plausible. According to these articles, Olaf has been spotted in at least three different places, each time wanted for a different warrant. There could be even more warrants for his arrest out there, for different crimes—but Mello says he's found none of these. In fact, he hasn't told us anything he's found at all." She dropped her voice further. "If he's telling the truth, then he's not a very good researcher—but maybe he's not telling the truth."

"What reason would he have to lie?" Klaus asked. "He's helping us out, and he's certainly too young to be one of Count Olaf's assistants."

"Esme," Sunny pointed out, climbing onto a chair and joining the conversation. She did not have to explain that she meant, "Our last guardian, Esme, wasn't one of Olaf's assistants, but she was working with him."

Klaus sighed. "That's true," he admitted. "I suppose it is possible that he's been lying, but he's been so nice to us that it seems impossible to think he could be working with—" And then he stopped, because the very person they were discussing was approaching their table.

The Baudelaires exchanged a look and decided not to say anything about their suspicions, but to try to test them instead. "Did you learn anything from the thing you wanted to check on the computer?" Violet asked quickly.

Mello shook his head. "No," he replied, seeming glum. "I thought it really might work, but it didn't help at all."

"What was it that you wanted to check?" Klaus pressed.

"Doesn't matter," Mello replied offhandedly. "It didn't work. What about your information?" As he spoke, he unwrapped a bar of chocolate and began to eat it. The Baudelaires had learned in the past few days that Mello ate chocolate almost as often as Mr. Poe coughed. "Did you find out anything about where Olaf might be keeping your friends?"

Violet picked up one of the _Ledger_ articles to show him. "This says he was spotted near the Stricken Stream recently," she said. "A young couple, who were having a picnic by the stream, spotted him and called the police because he matched the warrant for a hit-and-run accident a few weeks ago."

"And yesterday," Klaus added at once, "there were two sightings of him in the Hinterlands. Both people called the police because they'd seen a man who matched the warrant for a man who has robbed several houses recently."

As the two older Baudelaires spoke, all three Baudelaires watched Mello's face to see how he would respond to the news of these warrants. But he seemed neither surprised to hear of them nor alarmed that the Baudelaires had; it was impossible for them to figure anything out from his expression. So, Sunny decided to take action. In a determined motion, she leaned forward, sank her four sharp teeth into Mello's chocolate bar, and bit off a piece with a _snap_.

"Sammi!" Violet gasped. "Don't do that!"

"Expretest," Sunny replied indignantly, her tiny eyes on Mello's face.

"I'm so sorry. My sister apologizes," Klaus told Mello, although in fact Sunny had not apologized at all, and Klaus knew it. She had actually told her siblings to watch Mello's face; often, when Count Olaf or any other villain suddenly became angry, his or her face would reflect his or her furor briefly before he or she could control it.

In Mello's case, however, after he blinked away surprise, he merely smiled an easy smile. "If you wanted some chocolate, why didn't you just ask?"

At that friendly expression, the Baudelaires' suspicions were alleviated slightly. No one working for Count Olaf would ever be generous enough to share his favorite food so readily. They concluded that he may not have been the best researcher, but Mello didn't seem to be hiding anything from them.

They were, of course, completely wrong.

-----Ten minutes later

"Welcome, Mello." L greeted the boy through a spoonful of his fudge sundae. "What have you learned today?"

"Well, first of all, if the reporters are right, Count Olaf is nowhere near Wammy's House," Mello said. "Based on the quality of journalism in that area, I would tend towards caution in believing them, but there were apparently two sightings of him yesterday in the Hinter—"

Just then, the attic door opened, and Mello turned back to look. It was, of course, Near; Mello glared at him for a moment while the white-haired boy calmly took a seat on the floor and pulled out a set of Lego people, which upon closer examination proved to be cleverly decorated to resemble the Baudelaires. Then the blond straightened his back and resumed haughtily: "In the Hinterlands. _Also_," he emphasized the word, making it clear that this was the crux of his information, "regarding the V.F.D. organization that they mentioned a little while ago, it seems that many of their previous guardians have had a connection to it somehow. Dr. Montgomery and the dead husband of Josephine Anwhistle were both important researchers for the organization; the lumber mill where they once worked supplies their famous 'green timber' for many V.F.D. building projects and homes. Even Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor and Count Olaf himself were once part of the V.F.D., but after a great schism in the organization, they turned to a life of 'in' clothing and crime. In fact, the V.F.D. is avidly seeking Olaf right now because of his many crimes."

"Furthermore," Near added once it seemed like Mello was finished, "their parents were once members of the V.F.D."

Mello shut his mouth tight instantly and flushed slightly as he glared at Near. It was quite apparent that Mello had not even thought of that possibility.

With dignity, ignoring Mello's glare, Near said, "It may call itself a secret organization, but it seems to be closer to a cult. Secrecy is mandatory, codes are prevalent, and membership is selective and hereditary. They are very difficult to research because they are largely self-contained, but by watching a few of the movies of Dr. Sebald, hailed as the greatest coded director of all time, I was able to glean some information regarding their actions. Unfortunately, I do not think any of it was recent."

Mello had gone from glaring at Near with a slight flush to glaring off to the side with a very noticeable flush. Watching the two of them, L took another bite of his ice cream and said, "Thank you both very much. This information will be valuable. I feel we have made a great deal of progress in researching Count Olaf." He put his thumb to his mouth. "Unfortunately, he's nowhere to be seen."

"Yeah, the Hinterlands are about as far away as you can get," Mello said with a grimace. "But I don't know how we could draw him any closer."

L was silent for a moment, before saying offhandedly, "You may both go."

The children looked at the screen, surprised by the sudden dismissal, but they turned to leave without question. As Mello started down the stairs, Near warned him quietly, "You should be careful. The Baudelaires are becoming suspicious."

"Shut up! Quit eavesdropping!" the blond retorted. The sound of their bickering was cut short as the soundproof door swung shut.

L thought for a moment. "Watari…"

"Yes, L?"

"Drop Olivia a hint, will you?"

* * *

Please don't freak out. XD; All will be explained, I swear. 


	8. Chapter Eight

Sorry for the huge wait! Finally chapter eight is finished. :3

Death Note (c) Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata, Shueisha, Madhouse, Viz, and probably some other people.  
Series of Unfortunate Events (c) mainly Lemony Snicket.

LOOK HERE. Oh, and two things: have faith and remain calm. I mean this. Things are not what they appear.

* * *

The next few days were spent in relative peace. The Baudelaires and Mello continued researching. Little by little, Mello actually began to tell them what he was finding, so that they became convinced (wrongly, as you and I know) that he was absolutely trustworthy. 

As they crossed the hallway from the cafeteria to the library one day, Klaus happened to look down the hallway, and what he saw made him gasp and grip Violet's arm tightly. "Look," he whispered in alarm.

At this point in the story, I find it necessary to tell you a different story, that of a young man who loved to go on picnics. On one bright Sunday morning, he looked outside and said to himself, "It's a Sunday morning, I'm not doing anything, and even better, the weather is beautiful! It's the perfect day for a picnic." So he made a lunch of cheese, crackers, and a simple salad, packed them all in his picnic basket, placed that in his car, and drove to his favorite picnic spot, which was two hours away. The weather remained sunny the entire trip, and this man was becoming very excited about his picnic. When he reached the picnic spot, he set out the blanket, and just as he was cutting himself a slice of cheese, the heavens opened, a phrase which here means, "it started to pour." So poor Murphy had to pack up his picnic materials and drive all the way home in the pouring rain.

It is because of this man that we have Murphy's Law: "Whatever can go wrong will, and usually at the worst possible time." Some insist that the "worst possible time" is right after you have concluded that nothing can possibly go wrong, and this, I'm sorry to say, is very relevant to the Baudelaire's situation. You may remember that during the previous chapter, Klaus remarked on the fact that Count Olaf was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps if he had known about Murphy's Law, he would have kept his mouth shut, and the next unfortunate event in the Baudelaire's lives would not have happened.

When their brother whispered, "Look," Violet and Sunny did look, and what they saw made them freeze in their tracks. At the end of the hallway stood a man talking to Roger. The man had a bandage wrapped around his forehead, which covered one of his eyes. He wore a t-shirt with a print that was indistinguishable from where the Baudelaires stood, and over that a pair of overall shorts. He wore shorts because his left leg was in a thick cast, and he was on crutches. He looked as though he was seriously injured, but the Baudelaires knew at once that this wasn't true. They knew that he was really wearing the head bandage to hide the fact that he had only one eyebrow, and they knew that the thick cast was to hide the tattoo of an eye on his ankle. As the man talked with Roger, a wheezy, sneering voice reached the Baudelaires' ears, and it was, I'm sorry to say, a voice the Baudelaires knew very well. It was the voice of Count Olaf.

"It's him," breathed Violet, staring down the hall in horror. "He's found us again."

"Dosu?" Sunny whimpered. She meant something like, "What should we do?", but her siblings had no better idea of what to do than she did.

Klaus turned to where Mello had been standing a few seconds ago. He started to whisper, "Mello, that's—" but stopped. Mello was there no longer.

In a low voice, Violet said, "He probably went into the library already. We should too, before Olaf sees us."

But before they could, Roger looked down the hall and saw the Baudelaires in another manifestation of Murphy's Law. "Vanessa, Kristian, Sammi," he called, smiling, "come over here. I'd like you to meet this man."

They considered darting into the library anyway, but, exchanging a look, they nodded resignedly, a word which here means, "knowing they had no other choice," and walked slowly down the hall and towards their nemesis.

As they walked closer, they found that the print on Olaf's shirt was actually a series of eyes, identical to tattoo hidden beneath his cast. It was a ghastly sight, but not half as ghastly as the sight of Olaf's one visible eye shining hungrily as the three orphans drew near.

"Hello, orphans," he greeted them, holding out his hand for them to shake.

Violet took a deep breath. Everyone in Wammy's House was so intelligent that she felt sure Roger would believe her if she explained Olaf's treachery. "Roger," she started bravely, "this man is—"

"Children," said Roger, speaking right over Violet, "this man is Alfred Canker. He has an offer that I'd like you three to hear. Would you step into my office?"

"But Roger—" Klaus began; but Roger had already turned and walked into his office. The Baudelaires were left alone with Olaf.

"After you, orphans," Olaf said in his raspy voice, gesturing with one of his crutches.

"_Olaf_!" Sunny hissed.

"What?" Olaf asked, tilting his head in faux confusion. "I'm not sure this baby speaks correct English yet. How pathetic."

"Our sister is _not_ pathetic," Violet whispered back angrily. "She means that we know who you are, Olaf, and we're going to make Roger listen to us."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Olaf responded, his visible eye shining. "I'm just a poor man named Alfred Canker who was in a car accident. Robert will explain all of that to you, if you'll follow him into his office."

"Children?" Roger prompted from the office.

Resignedly, the three Baudelaires went inside; Olaf followed them. "Could one of you close the door for me?" he requested, feigning helplessness. "It's so difficult with my crutches."

The Baudelaires glared defiantly at Olaf, but when Roger instructed, "Help him with the door, Kristian; it's difficult to get around when one is on crutches," Klaus closed the door. Then he turned to Roger.

"Roger, we need to tell you something about this man," he said levelly. "He's—"

Roger did not seem to care what Klaus had to say. "Vanessa, Kristian, and Sammi, Alfred Canker has offered to adopt the three of you."

"No!" burst out all three Baudelaires at once, horrified.

Roger frowned at them. "Now, I know this is sudden, children," he said sternly, "but that does not give you a reason to be rude to Mr. Canker. He has had a very unfortunate life recently."

"But Roger—" Violet desperately tried to interrupt.

"Vanessa," he replied with a frown, "and all of you. I want you to listen to this man's story before you make any hasty judgments."

The Baudelaires looked at each other, frustrated, and fell silent. It was clear that Roger was not going to listen to them until they had heard Alfred Canker's phony story.

"How has your life been misfortunate, Mr. Canker?" Violet asked, unable to keep a hint of sarcasm out of her voice.

"Oh, well you see," said Mr. Canker, his face contorting in an obviously fake effort to hold back tears, "I was recently in a horrible car accident. It was terrible. I was just driving my black car along, minding my own business, when suddenly an enormous truck crashed into us from behind." He stopped and covered his face, his lower lip wiggling exaggeratedly. "It was awful. Our car rolled over several times, knocking me out. When I woke up, there was a large gash in my head, which is why I'm wearing this bandage, and my left leg was broken, which is why I'm wearing this cast. But the worst part of all…" Mr. Canker gave a series of sobs that were so fake that even Sunny was not fooled for a moment. He placed his hand on where his brow would be, shielding his face from Roger—and then his eye began to shine, as if he were about to tell the violent punch line of his favorite joke.

"The worst part is that the twins I had previously adopted were dead."

The Baudelaires' stomachs dropped. "You monster!" Klaus cried in horror.

"Keet!" shrieked Sunny, meaning, "What have you done with the Quagmires?!" The Quagmires were triplets, not twins, of course, but adults seemed to have a hard time understanding this.

"Children," Roger reprimanded, a word which here means, "protested in exasperation," "I have told you multiple time to be polite to Mr. Canker. This poor man has lost his children and is obviously distraught, but you have responded to his story by shouting at him. That is an incredibly rude thing to do."

"But Roger, this man is Count Olaf!" Violet explained at last.

"Olaf?" Roger tilted his head, seemingly quizzical, at her. "You must be mistaken. This is Alfred Canker."

"My sister is not mistaken," Klaus replied firmly. "She is correct. This man is Count Olaf, and he hasn't been in a car accident at all, at least not since he tried to take us away from Uncle Monty's house. He is wearing that bandage to cover up his one eyebrow, and the cast to hide the tattoo of an eye on his ankle."

"Gingar!" Sunny added, which meant, "He wants to adopt us so he can get his hands on our fortune!"

"That baby doesn't make any sense," Mr. Canker said, "but at the moment, neither do the other two children. Who is Count Olaf? Why would I be him?"

"Please forgive them, Mr. Canker," Roger apologized. "These children's lives have also been misfortunate; Olaf is an evil man who wishes to obtain the fortune their parents left them, so he keeps following them wherever they go."

"Oh, I see. Well, as much as I'd love to assuage their fears," Mr. Canker said, using a phrase that meant "prove them wrong to calm them down," "I am medically required to keep both my cast and my forehead bandage on until a doctor gives me permission to remove them."

"Of course. We would never make you take those off," Roger said calmingly. "The children should apologize for their outburst."

"Roger," Violet pleaded, ignoring Mr. Canker for the moment, "when he said that the twins he had previously adopted died, he might have meant the Quagmires—he must have done something to them! We have to find them!"

"The Quagmires? Vanessa, you are confused," Roger said. "The Quagmires are triplets, remember?"

"Olaf always _calls_ them twins," Klaus explained. "Roger, you have to listen to us. This man is Count Olaf. If he adopts us—"

"If he adopts you, you will live a peaceful and safe life with him," Roger interrupted firmly. "I'm sorry, children, but I think you may be slightly paranoid about Count Olaf. It's understandable, considering all you've been through, but you must realize that there are some adults you can trust. I will contact Mr. Poe this evening and arrange for him to come and sign the adoption papers. You may go."

With sinking hearts, the Baudelaies saw that it would be useless to argue with Roger any further. They stood and trudged out of his office. So down-hearted were they that they didn't notice Near sitting right outside the door, playing with a Rubik's Cube. Nor did Alfred Canker notice the white-haired child when he left the building for a bar. But Near noticed all of these people go by, and once they had left, he knocked once on Roger's office door and went in.

"What should I tell L?" he inquired. "Mello's been once already, but I'm fairly certain that he only knew Olaf was here."

"He's calling himself Alfred Canker," Roger answered, "and his plan this time is to adopt the Baudelaires. The Baudelaires know, of course, who he is, but they don't know that I know."

"All right."

"Also," Roger continued with a slight grimace, "he hinted that he may have murdered the missing Quagmire triplets, so perhaps L would like to look in to that."

"I'll tell him."

"Thank you, Near."

* * *

You didn't really think I'd make someone from Wammy's House that stupid, did you? I'd never slander Roger like that. 


End file.
